INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
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*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort