ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
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i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.