I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
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[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Time heals everything 🙂
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think