If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
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Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
I think we should hear other voices.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”