My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
You Might Also Like
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year