Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
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If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money