victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
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I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.