when you don’t want to be too vague
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Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.