I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
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My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Salad is the decaf of food.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
FRED: right
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now