Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
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The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.