Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
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“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
May never get over this
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST