Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
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Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Sometimes? I’m slipping
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Pandas 🐼🖤
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap