Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
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Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
you telling me a banana nut in this bread