My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
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My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
seems like a niche market
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”