If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
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Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?