ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
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Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Geez man, take it easy.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.