I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
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Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Uh oh…
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
🙀🙀🙀😹
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.