I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
You Might Also Like
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
This Tweet from @gnuman1979 has been withheld in response to a report from the copyright holder. Learn more.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Thinking about Jeff
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Hot hot hot 🥵
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]