I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
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“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.