can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
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My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Love this one 😂🧟
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms