I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
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welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Wait a second…
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
My beach vacation Google searches
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee