what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
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Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Happy Halloween 🎃
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!