Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
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Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff