Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
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Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Hell yeah 👍
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”