a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
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Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd