a fate I wish upon no one
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Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Coffee is ready.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
Webb. James Webb.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.