Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
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“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
In Canada they just call them geese
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm