[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
You Might Also Like
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.