Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
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Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less