People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
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2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Love is in the air fryer.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
we did it you guys we saved daylight
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.