[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
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The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen