The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
You Might Also Like
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.