kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
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@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.