*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
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Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
two people or more is called a problem
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Tier 3 meme
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Watermelon Boss!
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf