Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
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October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
5 ways to appear taller
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
How to properly lift a body
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl