[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
You Might Also Like
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.