You Might Also Like
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
this country is so goddamn polarized
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe