I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
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Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.