“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
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If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Well, that should do it
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Very problematic
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?