Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
You Might Also Like
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
i love modern commerce
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Meowchelangelo
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.