“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
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[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*