British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
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Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
selena gomez
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
That 👊
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.