Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
You Might Also Like
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
dutch so unserious
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes