McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
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my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Oh yeh? Explain this then