I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
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Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room