“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
You Might Also Like
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Twitter fine art
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before