My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
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Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
doing some research
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.