Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
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[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies