It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
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Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
I don’t think my car can fly
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
I can’t stop watching this.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.