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boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad